Relationships and dating
Dating and meeting new women
Dating Apps and websites are very popular, and some lesbians do find relationships through using them. But they all contain risks for same sex attracted women. This is because some heterosexual men sign up to these apps posing as lesbians. Some apps like Hinge say they are lesbian friendly and have a woman seeking woman option. But you may get sent a wide variety of profiles not only from men but from heterosexual couples looking for a threesome! Also, if you openly say you are seeking other females only, you will get banned from the site.
If you decide to go ahead with seeking a lesbian date through using an app like Hinge, you need to be clear about what you are looking for and its best to be as upfront as you can. Other dating apps aimed at lesbians are far worse than Hinge and we don’t recommend going on apps like Tinder or Her.
Many lesbians don’t like apps and websites. Some lesbians prefer to meet in lesbian meetups and events all around the UK – See our section on Lesbian Connection for more information.
Dating itself can sometimes feel a bit weird. It’s easy to put pressure on yourself to ‘know’ whether you fancy someone straight away. Meeting a stranger and making conversation can feel unnatural at first. Give yourself time, try to focus on how comfortable and easy the interaction feels, and remember that if a date doesn’t go well it’s not a big deal!
Staying Safe
The most important thing to tune into when dating is your gut instincts. If something feels ‘off’ or uncomfortable, you have every right to look out for yourself by leaving the situation.
Make sure you meet new people, especially from the internet, in public places. You might feel more comfortable if a friend knows where and when you’re meeting.
Anyone making you feel guilty for being uncomfortable, or wanting to leave, is manipulating or gaslighting you.
You’re not being mean or discriminatory for looking out for yourself.
Sometimes women can be so used to putting other people’s desires before their own that it affects romantic relationships. It’s important not to confuse feeling wanted by others with what you genuinely want and who you feel attracted to. You do not have to “give someone a chance” or date someone just because they want you. Likewise, you don’t have to tolerate things that make you feel uncomfortable just because your date likes it. A (potential) partner that cares about you will respect your feelings and will not make you feel guilty for saying no.
Although lesbians are less likely to get sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) than heterosexual and bisexual women, you do need to be careful with a new sexual partner. We recommend talking about your own, and your partner’s, sexual health before having sex.
Having Relationships
“Lesbians regard the whole body as an erogenous zone…expressing our sexuality as a sharing of mutual pleasure.”
Boston Women’s Health Collective
All female sexuality stems from arousal of the clitoris, and women enjoy this in many ways. The clitoris is a unique part of the female body dedicated to nothing but pleasure.
Knowing your own body
In exploring your own body and particularly your vulva, you may have already discovered your clitoris.. By rubbing on top of your clitoris, or over your whole vulva in this area, you can find out how to bring yourself to orgasm. Getting to know your own body means you are more able to tell a partner what you like as well.
While having orgasms is very pleasurable, it does not always have to be the goal in enjoying lesbian sexual or sensual pleasure. Often lesbians are looking for physical, sensual, or emotional intimacy. You can share physical intimacy with your partner through a massage, a cuddle in bed, sharing a bath, just kissing, or whatever feels safe, good, and intimate. When you are with a sexual partner you can also discover whether you like oral sex. It is something you can try if you want to – nothing is compulsory.
Pubic Hair
Your pubic hair serves you in many ways, and we do not recommend removing it entirely. Your pubes protect your vulva and vagina from bacteria and friction.
Myths
Tops and Bottoms
This is a concept that originated in gay male sexuality. It supports the idea that in sexual relationships, there should be a ‘giver’ or one person who is in charge, and a ‘receiver’, one not in charge. This is a narrow view of human sexuality, and we don’t recommend thinking of sex and sensuality in this hierarchial way. It is about sharing pleasure and intimacy. There aren’t any rules on what anyone ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing, as long as it feels good for both of you.
One of the biggest myths about lesbian sexuality is that it is a poor imitation of heterosexuality. We hope we have shown that nothing could be further from the truth!
There are many ways women have been prevented from understanding their sexuality, and organisations ignoring and suppressing knowledge of the clitoris continues to affect women and girls today; sex and reproductive education often ignores the clitoris, which we think is really unfair.
Safeguarding Trigger Warning
Unsafe sexual practices
Some sexual practices are unsafe and can physically harm your body, and mess with your mental health. Most of these practices can be found within the BDSM category (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, and Sadomasochism). These unsafe practices are often promoted in pornography, and mainly centre male pleasure.
We strongly advise against looking at porn sites as they will not give you accurate information on lesbian sexuality.
For more information on pornography, visit Fight The New Drug
Sexual health
Getting protected
Even though lesbians are less likely to get certain STDs, you can get protected from getting cervical cancer or genital warts by having the HPV vaccine. This vaccine is offered to girls aged 12/13 free on the NHS.
For more information, follow this link: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/
For any more queries about sexual health, we recommend using the NHS website:
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/
Tip: you’re less likely to transmit or catch an STD if you keep your nails short and wash your hands before sex.